The First 90 Days — A Targeted Parent's Playbook¶

You've just realised your child is being turned against you. Or you've been fighting it for months and are starting to lose hope. This is what to do — week by week — so the next 90 days build evidence and stability instead of burning you out.

This is not legal advice. Every jurisdiction is different. Read alongside the Case Law section for your region and consult a family lawyer for anything court-bound.

Week 1 — Stop the bleeding¶

Goal: stabilise yourself so you can think clearly.

[ ] Get sleep. Targeted parents lose decision-making capacity when sleep-deprived. Non-negotiable: 7 hours a night, even if it means melatonin or a GP visit.
[ ] Pick one therapist who understands PA dynamics (most don't). Use the Influencers directory to find clinicians in your region or someone they've trained.
[ ] Stop arguing with the other parent over text. Every message you send is potential exhibit material. Switch to BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) — see Bill Eddy's resources.
[ ] Tell two people you trust. Isolation is the alienator's friend. You need at least two humans who know what's happening and can witness your conduct.
[ ] Do NOT confront your child. Saying "your mum/dad is lying to you" makes the alienation deeper. Read Divorce Poison (Warshak) before you say anything to the child about the other parent.

Week 2 — Set up the documentation system¶

Goal: future-you in court has receipts.

[ ] One dedicated email address for all co-parenting communication. Funnel texts in via an app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents (court-admissible logs).
[ ] A timestamped journal. One entry per day, even if "no contact today." Future judges weight contemporaneous notes far more than reconstructed memory.
[ ] Photo & video archive of normal life. When the false narrative comes ("dad never engaged"), you'll need a counter-record. Cloud-backup it.
[ ] Save every alienating statement your child relays ("Mum says you don't love us") with date and exact wording. Don't editorialise — verbatim only.
[ ] Start a "missed contact" log. Cancelled visits, intercepted phone calls, blocked numbers. Each one is one data point. Patterns win cases.

Week 3 — Build the professional team¶

Goal: stop fighting alone.

[ ] Family lawyer who has handled PA cases before. Ask: "How many alienation matters have you taken to final hearing?" If they pause, find someone else.
[ ] Forensic evaluator or therapist for the child (only if you have any court order in place — unilateral therapy can backfire). The Influencers directory lists who trains them.
[ ] Financial buffer. Litigation in PA cases averages 18–36 months. Open a separate account, set up automatic transfers, and assume legal costs of $20k–$150k+ (jurisdiction-dependent).
[ ] Find one peer. Other targeted parents. Try r/ParentalAlienation or local PASG-affiliated support groups. Vet aggressively — these communities have their share of bad actors.

Week 4 — First strategic moves¶

Goal: position legally without escalating emotionally.

[ ] Court-order assessment. If you have no contact at all, file for an interim contact order. If you have partial contact, file for enforcement of what you already have. Pick the smallest move that creates a record.
[ ] Request joint therapy if available. Even if it's refused, the refusal is evidence.
[ ] Letter to the alienating parent (via lawyer) stating willingness to mediate. Same logic — refusal is evidence; engagement is good for the child.
[ ] Identify the "third-party witnesses" — teachers, coaches, doctors who see the child and you together. Note their names. Do not contact them yet.

Days 30–60 — The grind phase¶

You'll feel like nothing is happening. That's normal. PA cases move in geological time.

[ ] Keep documenting. Every. Single. Day.
[ ] Keep replying to the child even when no response comes — letters, cards, small gifts on birthdays. Document each send.
[ ] Keep showing up at every contact opportunity even when you know it'll be sabotaged. The pattern of showing up is its own evidence.
[ ] Read one book a week from the shelf. Knowledge is leverage in court.
[ ] Therapy weekly. This is not optional. PA destroys targeted parents emotionally; sustained legal effort requires emotional baseline.

Days 60–90 — Refine the legal strategy¶

[ ] Review your documentation with your lawyer. Identify the 3–5 strongest incidents that show a pattern (not isolated events).
[ ] Consider a forensic-evaluation request if the case is heading to a contested hearing. Only with lawyer input — bad evaluators worsen cases.
[ ] Get expert-witness names from the Influencers list — lawyers who've handled PA matters know who to call.
[ ] Map the long game. Reunification is a 6-month-to-multi-year process even after a favourable order. Plan accordingly.

What NOT to do (the "PA pitfalls")¶

These tank targeted-parent cases more than anything else:

Calling it "PAS" or demanding the court diagnose your ex. PA is a pattern — argue the behaviors, not the label. Judges flinch from jargon.
Trash-talking the other parent to the child. It feeds the alienation and is exhibit-material against you.
Hiring the cheapest lawyer. Family law has wide variance in skill. A specialist costs more upfront and far less over the case lifetime.
Going public on social media. Anonymised, vague, peer-group support is fine. Public posts are screenshot-collected and used against you.
Confronting third parties (teachers, in-laws) without lawyer sign-off.
Giving up between hearings. Many parents abandon contact "to give the child peace." Almost every reunification expert (Warshak, Baker, Childress) considers this catastrophic — the child reads abandonment as confirmation of the alienating narrative.

When you hit 90 days¶

You'll have: - A timestamped paper trail no judge can wave away - A professional team that knows your case in detail - A documented pattern of your engagement vs. the other parent's obstruction - A child who knows — even if they can't say it — that you didn't give up

That is the foundation. Everything from here is execution.

Linked reading: - Influencers directory — clinicians, lawyers, researchers - Key books shelf — reading order by situation - Case law — citable rulings by region - Templates — communication formats, court submissions, evaluator request letters - Community — where other targeted parents talk

Authored by the AntiAlienate.com collective. Reviewed against published PA-clinician guidance. Not legal advice.