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Coparenting Communication — BIFF Method Canned Responses

When every message from the other parent is an attempt to provoke a reaction that will end up in their court bundle as evidence of your instability, you need a response style that:

  • Doesn't engage the provocation
  • Doesn't escalate
  • Doesn't lose you the moral high ground
  • Doesn't create evidence against you

BIFF = Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. (Bill Eddy, BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People.)

The BIFF rules

  • Brief — three sentences max where possible.
  • Informative — about the topic at hand, with facts.
  • Friendly — neutral pleasant tone, never sarcastic, never cold.
  • Firm — close the loop. Don't invite further argument.

Canned response patterns

When they cancel a contact slot at short notice

"Understood — sorry [child] isn't well. I'll plan to see them on the next scheduled day. Let me know if there's anything I can drop off in the meantime."

When they make a vague accusation

"I want to make sure I understand. Could you let me know the specific date and incident you're referring to? I'll respond as soon as I have the details."

When they refuse to discuss the parenting plan

"Happy to discuss next week if that works better. In the meantime, the schedule under the [date of order] order still applies."

When they propose a change that disadvantages your contact

"Thanks for raising this. I want to give it proper thought. Can you put the proposal in writing with the proposed dates? I'll respond by [date]."

When they accuse you of something

"I don't see it that way, but I'd rather not get into a back-and-forth by text. If it's important, please raise it through [mediator / lawyer / parenting coordinator]."

When they ask for an immediate decision

"I'll get back to you by [end of day / tomorrow morning]."

When they send a long inflammatory message

"I've read your message. I'll respond to the practical points once I've had time to consider them."

What never to write back

  • "You always…" / "You never…"
  • "The court will see this for what it is."
  • Any reference to their new partner, their family, their finances, their character.
  • Any emoji.
  • Any "fixed!" / "lol" / "??" / "wow."
  • Any all-caps.
  • Anything you wouldn't be comfortable reading aloud in court.

How to actually maintain the discipline

The hardest part isn't writing BIFF responses — it's not sending the first draft of the angry response.

Practice: draft → wait two hours → re-read as if the judge will see it → send the shortest version that closes the loop.

If the message you're drafting makes you feel powerful while you write it, it's the wrong message.

Storing the exchange

Every message in / out goes into your contact log's Source column. Screenshot or export the thread monthly so cloud deletions can't lose it.

Disclaimer. This is a starter template, not legal advice. Adapt to your jurisdiction and case facts. Have a licensed practitioner review before filing. Statutes and procedural rules vary and update — verify against primary source.

— AntiAlienate.com · CC BY 4.0

Sources & authoritative references

Topic baseline (independently verifiable):